This morning I read a post by Bare Naked in Public. I hope she doesn’t mind my reference to her blog. She always seems to be speaking directly to me, although I know that is not her intention. I would like to suggest you check out her blog and judge for yourself. After reading her post I felt inclined to reflect on my past.
The picture above was taken back in the early 80’s. My mother, on the left, was a single woman raising 3 children with no help from their father. My beautiful sister, on the right, now has 2 gorgeous daughters of her own and recently she was blessed with twin granddaughters. My brother, on the right, has a daughter entering college and a son in high-school that loves sports. I, on the left, have a son that is currently working as a chef at a local restaurant.
Back when this picture was taken I was in high-school. I didn’t think I was poor. I didn’t think working was a burden. I attended school and then went to work at my uncle’s crab shop in the afternoon. It all just seemed normal to me.Many of my friends didn’t have jobs and therefore had more time for other activities. At the time I was slightly jealous, now, I’m glad that I had the life I had. I don’t take things for granted. I have what I have because of the effort I extend and because others that truly love me have been there to support me along the way.
I have made many mistakes on life’s highway. As a husband I failed twice. As a father I made many wrong choices. I can’t change the past. I can only try to make each day worth remembering for the right reasons. My family loves me even knowing my faults. Wouldn’t it be nice if we all accepted each other as is.
Once upon a time, my mother, brother, sister and I all shared one bed at my grandparent’s home. Now, we are all separated by time and space. I wouldn’t trade a single day of my past for a day enjoyed by royalty. I don’t live a life of luxury, but I have what money can’t buy, LOVE!
In my last post I talked about losing someone too soon due to an early death. Today I want to talk about another type of loss that has left myself and many others wondering how did LOVE just disappear. I’m referring to DIVORCE.
Apparently I’m not very good at Marriage. I have been married and divorced twice. I was single for ten years between the end of my first marriage and the beginning of my second. I dated off and on during this period, but I was not willing to give my all to anyone. The hurt of losing my first wife, and as a result, not being able to spend as much time with my infant son was always on my mind.
When I was reunited with my former High School Sweetheart, I thought this time I’ll get it right. I could not have been more wrong. Our eight year marriage was riddled with arguments over money, child care and lifestyles. She and her son were very sedentary, while I and my son were very active. They stayed indoors while I and my son loved the outdoors. Eventually, the relationship just deteriorated beyond reconciliation. That made things complicated. I had to leave my own home while our divorce was going through its very slow legal process. I still paid all of the bills associated with the home, but had to live elsewhere. When the divorce was final, nearly eighteen months later, I still had to wait three months for her and son to leave my house so I could move back in.
Looking back, I realize I was part of the problems that occurred and brought about both divorces. I feel the lack of companionship that divorce brings, I regret that I am no longer a part of the lives of people I still care about. Every morning I look in the mirror and see a man that looks much older than his years, a man carrying baggage that needs to be dropped. I have to accept the past, and more importantly, leave it in the past where it belongs.
I have a college education. I have a good job. I have a loving, supportive family, yet something is missing. At 49 I worry that I might never find the right person for me. Someone who can love me the way I am and I can do the same for them. If I have learned nothing else, I know that it is actually better to be alone than to force yourself to pretend to be happy when inside you feel like crying. As I said before, I was part of the problems. Admitting that is something I do willingly, neither of my ex-wives ever did.
GOD willing I will find the right one. If that is not his plan, he has blessed me with my family and my dog. My dog doesn’t judge me and she is always happy to see me. Even when she dug up my garden I was thankful to have her company. I have since fenced off my garden. I allow her into the garden with me, but not without. I am BLESSED.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. And may GOD BLESS YOU ALSO.